One more time.....

  I am going to try again.  I need to succeed.  I am starting to spiral out of control. (Starting??  Probably have been for quite some time)  I fell hard, and I am slowly getting up.  I have to be successful.  I am afraid for my health... my body and my mind.  I know I am babbling...
Alcohol is not my friend.
It's been awhile.  I am not sure what to write, but I figure I can at least say "I'm back".  I have spent the last couple of hours sitting here on the couch, drinking hot tea, and reading the blogs I used to read.  I feel inspired.  I feel I can do this.

I do have support - my husband is just as bad as I am... actually, I am probably worse.  Together we can do this.  Last week we were sober for four days!  Wahoo!  Saying that sounds kind of pathetic to me.  On one hand it is to celebrate (four days sober!), and the other hand it pisses me off that that is something to celebrate.
Today is a new day.

The second hardest thing...

The second hardest thing to do when trying to quit drinking, for me, is making dinner.  I am so used to sipping and cooking.  It is a habit, and like any other habit, habits are hard to break.
I had read in a self help book one time not to substitute the alcohol with something else... the reasoning was you were only covering up the problem, not finding a solution.
Well, that might be an expect opinion, but as a person in the middle of it.... feeling desperate... I see nothing wrong with swigging a diet coke while I make dinner.
Caffeine free diet coke is my new best friend.

One of the hardest things ...

One of the hardest things to do when quitting the drinking (besides NOT drinking) is falling asleep.  At least, that is how it is for me.  I have conditioned my body of the years to not need to fall asleep (yes, I realize this is probably also known as passing out).  So when I do not have alcohol in my system, and I am trying to fall asleep, it becomes very frustrating.
So, I laugh at myself as I realize I have to really learn how to fall asleep.
Have a wonderful day, everyone - it is the first day of spring!  New beginnings all around :-)

no title....

I had 2 notifications in my in box over the last two weeks – notifications that I had comments on my blog.   Two people wondering how I was doing - almost like words from above.

I am in a weird spot – almost my own self made hell.

My drinking is less but more.

Less in front of the kids.  More hidden.

Less hangovers, but more guilt.

I know this is not normal.

And so today, I begin again.

Today I will not drink.

Today I will be strong, and tomorrow I will feel great.

I am so sorry....

I am so sorry, Baby Girl.
That is what I thought the other day.
My baby girl is 8.  That is my nickname for her, and she still doesn't mind it, even though she is trying each day to be more grown up.
I am so sorry, My Readers.  You followed me.  You read my posts.  You supported me.

I failed both of you..

I failed you, my readers, because I started to really drink again.  The Holidays, the in - laws... (being buzzed certainly makes them easier to deal with... because the trip away...., the ENTIRE second day (sober til 4 when someone opened a bottle of wine) was THE longest day of my life.

 And then that demon on my back... near my ear.... every morning I remind myself of the 3 top reasons I will not drink: easy way to keep my weight in check... more healthy to not drink.... my children.  1, 2, 3 o'clock hits, and all of the reasons I need to drink... deserve to drink... speak so much louder than the morning voice.

So why am I sorry to my baby girl?

Because yesterday morning she told me she tried to wake me up that night because she didn't feel good.  "Mommy - I tried and tried... but you wouldn't wake up.  So I tried daddy.  Daddy woke up.   You must have been very tired".

Yes, I am very tired, baby girl. I am very tired of being a drunk.
xo

Dear Diary

I went on vacation with my hubby.  It was much needed time (although I wish the weather was warmer).  We had a incredible time.  We re-connected.  This was something we needed to do.... because, diary, you know we have been bickering a lot over the last 2 years.  Things have not been okay.  His job took him away on business trips, and away when he was "home".  We were all suffering.  We decided to buy our own business and become self employed.  This entailed a move, (luckily the kids stayed in the same school), an unforeseen death, and ALOT of stress.  I can not even put into words that make sense the amount of emotions I have gone through.

On vacation, I was so relaxed.  I didn't worry about the kids because my saint-parents had them. I didn't crave alcohol.  We had a drink here or there, but that was it.  It was completely normal.  I thought "huh... IT is gone".

Then I came home.  And I slowly started feeling : "I NEED A DRINK NOW!".  And I realized I have TRIGGERS.   It is not any one thing.  It is not any one person.  It is how the day, mostly from when the ones I LOVE THE MOST come home, that the stress starts to build.  The bickering, the homework, the running them around....

I am not complaining.  I chose this life.  I LOVE THEM.  But this life drives me to drink......

I went to a party...

and actually didn't want to drink.  It was very weird.  I had a drink in my hand, and sat down to talk to someone.  I set the drink down, and halfway through the conversation, realized I had not picked the drink up. Once I realized this, I looked at it..... and didn't pick it up!  It was a great feeling!

PS- I am going out of town for  a few days - so if I don't post, please don't worry :-)